Something Less Than Love
by marcasite
Summary: She had hoped that she would feel better if he could hurt even a fraction of the amount she does now. It's scary how disappointed she is. ANGST/SERIES FOUR


_Written for **mingsmommy** who won me at the Queensland Auction. This is just one of several stories I will write for her throughout the year._

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><p>She thinks about leaving sometimes.<p>

Actually, she thinks about leaving almost every day. It's starting to become the first thing she thinks about in the morning and the very last thought she has before drifting off into oblivion at night. She knows that it might be easier to just leave, there are demons here that are racing to catch up despite the stumbling blocks she places in their way. She could leave and start all over again but how much time would that really buy her?

She doesn't leave because for the first time in her life, she has some semblance of a home and family, people she truly cares about. She acknowledges that leaving would be a sign of weakness and the perception that Grissom would win this silent struggle between them.

Time to go, time to go. It echoes in her mind, every time she sees him (which is less and less frequently) but she knows she's stronger than that.

At least, she wants to be.

She's tired.

More tired than she's felt in a long time and the darkness is sliding around, casting a shadow against everything it touches. She senses it creeping closer and it stirs long dormant memories of a childhood out of control. Rage, anger and hurt bubble just beneath the surface; threatening to spill over and she's helpless to reign it in. She presents a calm façade but sometimes the veneer crumbles and she can't hide the anger that simmers inside her.

She's angry a lot these days, angry at the scumbags that get away, angry at Grissom for pushing her away and angry at herself for allowing him so much pain. She really should take up something that allows her to vent out some of this rage but instead she continues to bottle up her pain and anger.

Hold on just a bit longer, hold on.

Yesterday was the same as today will be the same as tomorrow.

Every day it's just a little bit more of the same struggle and it weighs against her; pulling her in its wake. She can see the concern in Brass's eyes and the remorse of accusation in Grissom's but can't bring herself to do anything but avert her eyes and deny the questions.

She starts drinking to ease the hurt of Grissom's rejection and somehow one became two became three. She convinces herself that she has this under control but still she chooses that last beer; that one more glass of wine. She doesn't think she's hurting anyone, alone in her apartment, but she knows that is exactly what makes it entirely worse.

She still hides her secrets, it's what she's always done. How she survives.

The moments keep coming.

She's learning to live with rejection; learning to deal with Grissom's withdrawal but every day she experiences another hurt, another moment that makes her catch her breath and reconsider. It's not that she doesn't feel that Nick deserves the promotion, she just knows that Grissom didn't consider her at all because of their past (what past she tells herself, surely you imagined everything). Now its her eyes that burn with the weight of accusation and she inflicts this with every gaze she tosses Grissom. He sees her glares and chooses to ignore them, just as afraid; just as unwilling.

She had hoped that she would feel better if he could hurt even a fraction of the amount she does now. It's scary how disappointed she is.

This feels like something less than love.

She wonders when her feelings for Grissom had changed. She's loved him for most of her adult like. Craved his attention and culled satisfaction when he asked her to move to Nevada. She was so sure of herself, so sure that once she moved to Vegas he would see her as more than just a student. He had asked for her, hadn't he?

At first, it was exactly what she wanted; friends were made and there was nothing else in the world she would have rather been doing. But the signs were there the whole time, she was just too blinded by her faith in him. He never saw her as anything more than a collegue and the harsh reality of that has finally set in.

She can only blame herself but hates him a little for giving her hope.

It's not until she gets pulled over that she starts to understand that she has to make a decision.

She's right back to where she started and she has a choice. Stay and fight through the pain; embrace this moment and fight for what she wants most. Stay and live a different sort of life; one filled with friends and maybe even a little laughter.

Or leave and walk away from everything she's worked so hard for. Leave Grissom and Las Vegas behind.

She understands that it's not really a choice at all.


End file.
